1.
A lady
never admits to the size on the tag of her dress unless it is a one-digit
number and does not include the letter “X.”
2.
Her relationship with the bathroom scale is
sacrosanct and will NOT be discussed or debated with anyone.
3.
A lady’s hair color is her “true” hair color and
should not be disputed. She paid for it;
it’s her true color. Get it? Good.
4.
It is not polite to ask a lady who really dragged
who first down the church aisle. All anyone needs to know is that it was love
at first sight and a marriage proposal quickly ensued.
5.
A lady never admits to impetuous or unwise
purchases. Large wraps are making a
comeback and can accentuate too-tight or too-short dresses dramatically. Likewise, really tall strappy heels make
quite a statement worn with the right dress, besides why else did God create podiatrists?
6.
A lady has no idea what the commotion is about when
the said lemon meringue pie, the dozen of glazed doughnuts, or the gallon of
Blue Bell comes up missing from the kitchen. She has no idea whatsoever. Go bother someone else.
7.
A lady never snores, laughs like Mr. Ed, or chews
like a camel. A lady does not have
bodily emissions of any kind, and anyone who says so is rude and a bore. Is.
That. Clear?
8.
She doesn’t know why there is a whole shelf of depilatories
in the medicine cabinet. That stuff is
for removing stray hairs and chin whiskers, things that would not dare grow willy-nilly
on a lady’s face.
9.
Though there is reason for paparazzi to lurk in
the bushes surrounding her house, a lady is never seen unclothed (especially in
daylight. Sorry, Kate.). She prefers slimming
black dresses and stunning vertical stripes.
10. A lady never
admits that briefs that once hugged her curves but now cigar roll down her
tummy or refuse to hike over her derrière have anything to do with her diet or exercise
regimen. The stingy manufacturers are at fault; they skimp on material nowadays.
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