Monday, October 1, 2012

Ten Things a Lady Should Never Admit

Disclaimer:  People and events mentioned below are fictitious and do not resemble anyone living, dead, or writing this blog.
1.     A lady never admits to the size on the tag of her dress unless it is a one-digit number and does not include the letter “X.”
2.    Her relationship with the bathroom scale is sacrosanct and will NOT be discussed or debated with anyone.
3.    A lady’s hair color is her “true” hair color and should not be disputed.  She paid for it; it’s her true color. Get it? Good.
4.    It is not polite to ask a lady who really dragged who first down the church aisle. All anyone needs to know is that it was love at first sight and a marriage proposal quickly ensued.
5.    A lady never admits to impetuous or unwise purchases.  Large wraps are making a comeback and can accentuate too-tight or too-short dresses dramatically.  Likewise, really tall strappy heels make quite a statement worn with the right dress, besides why else did God create podiatrists?
6.    A lady has no idea what the commotion is about when the said lemon meringue pie, the dozen of glazed doughnuts, or the gallon of Blue Bell comes up missing from the kitchen. She has no idea whatsoever.  Go bother someone else.
7.    A lady never snores, laughs like Mr. Ed, or chews like a camel.  A lady does not have bodily emissions of any kind, and anyone who says so is rude and a bore. Is. That. Clear?
8.    She doesn’t know why there is a whole shelf of depilatories in the medicine cabinet.  That stuff is for removing stray hairs and chin whiskers, things that would not dare grow willy-nilly on a lady’s face.
9.    Though there is reason for paparazzi to lurk in the bushes surrounding her house, a lady is never seen unclothed (especially in daylight. Sorry, Kate.).  She prefers slimming black dresses and stunning vertical stripes.
10. A lady never admits that briefs that once hugged her curves but now cigar roll down her tummy or refuse to hike over her derrière have anything to do with her diet or exercise regimen. The stingy manufacturers are at fault; they skimp on material nowadays.  

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