I may not land a cooking show on TV, but I have been to the
mountaintop (okay maybe it was just a med clinic) and that should give me some
cred. I have been eating since birth which makes me an expert.I have suffered
from lactose intolerance all my life, so my body can tell from one smell, one
bite, or one look whether a food will agree with me or not.
The following are the ten foods I avoid. You have been warned.
1.
Nothing alive, nothing of the insect family, and
nothing related to octopuses or frogs can skitter, slide, or skip onto my
plate.
2.
I will not be pressured into eating processed
meats (i.e., bologna) or pressed meats (i.e., Spam).
3.
Anything that once looked at me, pulsated,
undulated, or strained internal body fluids in a past life can just pass on by.
4.
Without a proper and polite introduction, I refuse
to gnaw on the feet or hooves, ears, necks, or tails of animals; and I don’t
care if they are disguised with clever
names like “calf fries” or “mountain oysters,” I am not that kind of girl,
thank you.
5.
If it refuses to stand still and be chewed – squid,
boiled okra, the “meat” in menudo – I refuse to eat it.
6.
I will not eat anything deceptively packaged and
meant to lure the unsuspecting or the innocent - licorice is a faux candy; real
candy does not taste like that.
7.
Anything hotter than 100 on the Scoville Scale
wasn’t meant as food consumption. It was
meant to peel paint off walls, thank you.
8.
Gluttony is already a major sin, so a supersized
anything counts as a double sin.
9.
Thou shall not call all non-poisonous weeds full
of vitamins a “vegetable.” Stop selling Kale in the produce aisle. It should be
outside with the gardening supplies.
10. International
flights to and from China are in blatant violation of the Fourth Geneva Convention
and should be banned from serving “the pork noodle” dish to innocent,
unsuspecting tourists.
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