The Ten Commandments of What I Will Not Eat

I may not land a cooking show on TV, but I have been to the mountaintop (okay maybe it was just a med clinic) and that should give me some cred. I have been eating since birth which makes me an expert.I have suffered from lactose intolerance all my life, so my body can tell from one smell, one bite, or one look whether a food will agree with me or not.

The following are the ten foods I avoid.  You have been warned.

1.    Nothing alive, nothing of the insect family, and nothing related to octopuses or frogs can skitter, slide, or skip onto my plate.

2.    I will not be pressured into eating processed meats (i.e., bologna) or pressed meats (i.e., Spam).

3.    Anything that once looked at me, pulsated, undulated, or strained internal body fluids in a past life can just pass on by.

4.    Without a proper and polite introduction, I refuse to gnaw on the feet or hooves, ears, necks, or tails of animals; and I don’t care if they are  disguised with clever names like “calf fries” or “mountain oysters,” I am not that kind of girl, thank you.  

5.    If it refuses to stand still and be chewed – squid, boiled okra, the “meat” in menudo – I refuse to eat it.   

6.    I will not eat anything deceptively packaged and meant to lure the unsuspecting or the innocent - licorice is a faux candy; real candy does not taste like that.

7.    Anything hotter than 100 on the Scoville Scale wasn’t meant as food consumption.  It was meant to peel paint off walls, thank you.  

8.    Gluttony is already a major sin, so a supersized anything counts as a double sin.  

9.    Thou shall not call all non-poisonous weeds full of vitamins a “vegetable.” Stop selling Kale in the produce aisle. It should be outside with the gardening supplies.

10. International flights to and from China are in blatant violation of the Fourth Geneva Convention and should be banned from serving “the pork noodle” dish to innocent, unsuspecting tourists.