You wake up in the morning and the day laughs at your pain. It is sunny and bright, cheerful and promising; everything opposite of how you feel.
You count the days in minuses. First a few seconds separate you from the person you loved, then the seconds melt into minutes and hurry into hours. The minuses become days, weeks, and months.
You reach into a drawer, a closet, a cabinet and find you didn’t get rid of everything as well as you thought. Memories hide in the most unsuspecting places.
You hear a voice and you turn, a smile on your face, ready to answer, forgetting for one second that it is not him or her.
You think of a question, hear a joke, remember a story and you reach for the phone before you realize he won’t answer at the other end.
A couple holds hands, a baby cries, you overhear a conversation , and you pray no one saw the look of grief on your face before you walked away.
Why wasn’t he more careful, more obedient, more diligent? Did he not know how much he would be missed? Did he not realize how much his death would affect everyone?
You regret words you said or didn’t, you miss all the moments you shared or didn’t, you wish you had stolen one more kiss, hug or smile. Unfinished business will forever stay unfinished.
You yell at anything and anyone – God, the loved one, the accident, the disease, the passing of time - realizing that nothing assuages your pain.
But most wounds heal. They might leave a scar but they heal. The wound that surrounds your heart, that empty space, will one day fill instead with good memories, with forgiveness, with acceptance. It was better to have known and lost than to have never known at all.