I
lost a grandson a year ago. His death
was caused by a freak household accident that claimed his life within
hours. No one had time to do more than
react and pray for the best.
For
once in my life I had no words of wisdom for my daughter, no remedy or solution
that would make everything better. I
stood by while she heard the words no parent ever wants to hear – her child,
her baby, was not responding to everything the trauma medical team was frantically trying.
Her
twenty-two-month-old child was dying.
One
moment her fearless little boy was bombing around the house playing and
climbing on furniture, the next he was injured and quiet. What should have been
a boo-boo made better with mommy kisses, ended up a fatality.
I
try not to relive the horror of that night, but sometimes I struggle to
sleep. I wait until my eyes close from
exhaustion and I wake a few hours later with a start. Sadness and fear chase me in my dreams.
I
do not dare imagine what goes through my daughter and my son-in-law’s
dreams. They were there. They saw the baby’s injury a second after it
happened.
I
know that the stages of grief are recursive, that right when you think you are
progressing well onto the next stage you fall back onto the first step all over
again. There must be a different set of rules of recovery when one loses a
child. Maybe there isn’t any. The
universe as you know it has been turned upside down.
Death
should come after one has led a long, full life. Death should be top-down and not robbing us
of babies who have yet learned to create full sentences, tie their shoes, or
use the potty like a big boy.
I
believe in a good God and in an afterlife.
That is some comfort, but it does not assuage the huge loss and the
extreme regret we all feel.
There
is one less in our family.
My
daughter’s house is full of reminders.
His older brother inherited some of his toys. His sister and brothers recall funny
instances and pranks he used to play, and a day does not go by that his parents
do not say his name.
Our
memories are all in past tense but our feelings for that fearless, funny, little
boy are still tender and painful to the touch. Our lives were blessed by him
but it is little consolation when our arms ache to hold him and we try to make
sense of life without him.
Your words speak such life into him and we can all feel the joy that he brought to so many people. I pray that through this "anniversary" that each of you will find some peace in His comfort...a peace that I don't think anyone really understands. I will be praying.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elizabeth.
ReplyDelete