I have a TV service with over 500
options which includes dozens of movie channels that run nothing but for twenty-four
hours a day. You think with the money I pay for this service and the abundance
of offerings there would be more of a selection every evening that would keep
me happy, especially during the month of October.
For some reason whoever schedules
these stations thinks they are the only ones who came up with the ingenious idea
of running nothing but horror movies for the whole month of October.
Vampires, zombies, and angry boogie
men vie with alien creatures and serial killers over tasty human beings. The
“family” channels feature psycho-thrillers with demented men, women, and
children who consider family and the unsuspecting traveler as easy prey and plan
their gory deaths. Even the kid-friendly
channels bury us with cartoon versions of the same.
Call me a scaredy cat, but I just
cannot watch scary movies. I cannot stomach anything that literally eats away
at my imagination and makes me believe that what is happening is real.
That does not mean I cannot defend
myself. I can be Ripley or Clarice. I
can be Selene (though I doubt I would look good in skin tight leather, at least
not without some serious undergarments).
I have learned certain skills in life. My upbringing has given me the innate
experience necessary to make up for the loss of agility that I have never
possessed.
I can swing a mean frying pan and
shoot a gun. I am an expert at the fly
swatter, the rolled up newspaper, and the shoe.
Many a varmint could attest to my expertise except they can’t since they
met their demise at my masterful hands.
It’s when they show up in 3-D on
my wide screen that I cannot handle things that come at me from outer space. I cannot find my inner Ninja when things
sprout up from the ground and their first thought is to snack on me. Any alien queen who captures me and tries to
cocoon my aging body to breed little aliens is out of luck. My breeding days are over.
I hate horror movies and now we
have TV shows based on all this boogie stuff.
No, thank you.
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