Monday, October 28, 2013

Scaredy Cat


I have a TV service with over 500 options which includes dozens of movie channels that run nothing but for twenty-four hours a day. You think with the money I pay for this service and the abundance of offerings there would be more of a selection every evening that would keep me happy, especially during the month of October. 
For some reason whoever schedules these stations thinks they are the only ones who came up with the ingenious idea of running nothing but horror movies for the whole month of October.
Vampires, zombies, and angry boogie men vie with alien creatures and serial killers over tasty human beings. The “family” channels feature psycho-thrillers with demented men, women, and children who consider family and the unsuspecting traveler as easy prey and plan their gory deaths.   Even the kid-friendly channels bury us with cartoon versions of the same.
Call me a scaredy cat, but I just cannot watch scary movies. I cannot stomach anything that literally eats away at my imagination and makes me believe that what is happening is real.
That does not mean I cannot defend myself. I can be Ripley or Clarice.  I can be Selene (though I doubt I would look good in skin tight leather, at least not without some serious undergarments).  I have learned certain skills in life. My upbringing has given me the innate experience necessary to make up for the loss of agility that I have never possessed.
I can swing a mean frying pan and shoot a gun.  I am an expert at the fly swatter, the rolled up newspaper, and the shoe.  Many a varmint could attest to my expertise except they can’t since they met their demise at my masterful hands. 
It’s when they show up in 3-D on my wide screen that I cannot handle things that come at me from outer space.  I cannot find my inner Ninja when things sprout up from the ground and their first thought is to snack on me.  Any alien queen who captures me and tries to cocoon my aging body to breed little aliens is out of luck.  My breeding days are over.
I hate horror movies and now we have TV shows based on all this boogie stuff. 

No, thank you.  

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