Failure to Launch

Four years ago I decided to change careers.  I had this amazing opportunity not afforded to others and I felt compelled to take advantage of it. 

I wanted to be a writer.

I wanted to write books, see them traditionally published, and become rich and famous.

Laugh all you want.  I knew the rich and famous part was a lark but this is where the “amazing opportunity not afforded to others” comes into play.

I get a comfortable, monthly, retirement check. It allows me to fiddle with this writing life. HoneyBunch says it’s a curse.  It makes me too comfortable.  I don’t have to rely on a paying job to cover bills, go grocery shopping, or keep myself in pretty, purple pens (my writing instrument of choice).

He says I am not hungry enough.

Between you and me, HB is only half right.  It pains me to admit it, but there is more to that truth – I am afraid to succeed.

I have several published friends and I’ve seen the glamorous writing life they lead.  It takes discipline to be a published writer.  It makes demands on their lives.  I’ve seen what they look like as deadlines approach – their emaciated, unwashed, myopic bodies.

No, thank you.

If I launch my manuscripts out into the cold cruel world, they might actually succeed.  I’ll get offered contracts.  There will be demands and deadlines, missed meals and lost sleep. I will have to work and work hard. 

I will have to produce, stand on my own, and face criticism.

My life is so much more comfortable here in the womb of retirement where I can pretend to be a writer and play act the writing life.