Monday, May 5, 2014

The Crazy Housewives of Guadalupe County

Episode One: The introduction of characters 

Scene One: They each dress in their own homes and travel to the Dairy Queen for their first meeting.
There’s the local, a married woman in her early sixties who can trace her family’s lineage back several generations to the founding of the towns in the area.  She is married to a man with the same proud heritage.
There’s the transplant, a married woman in her late sixties who settled in the area with her husband after they both retired from successful careers “up north.” Used to being the hub, they introduced themselves into the local society by joining all and every group that was taking volunteers.
There’s the newcomer, a woman of their age who has moved here from the nearby city. To her the area is nothing more than a bedroom community, a thirty minute drive to the closest city, Kohl’s, or Olive Garden.
Scene Two: The Local arrives in her Ford F150.  The Transplant arrives in her Chrysler 300.  The Newcomer in her Prius V. They eye each other until the Transplant calls out to them in a loud voice and asks if they are there for the Housewives programme.  (She would spell it that way, believe me.)
The Local decides to order first.  The Transplant commandeers a table and wipes it with the Wet Ones she always carries in her purse.  The Newcomer sits down and pulls out a Nutragrain bar. The meeting starts.
The Transplant has come prepared with a set of warm-up questions so they can get to know each other.
They each have to say something funny/odd that has happened lately in their family.  The Local shares a story concerning their tractor and a busted (her word) oil line. The Newcomer tells about the day she freaked out when she walked into a spider web the size of a full-sized sheet on her way to her car.  They don’t have those in the city – spiders.  They do have sheets, probably 400-count. The Transplant goes on and on about something but the other two are not listening.  She laughs at her own story, while the Local picks up her order at the counter and the Newcomer fidgets with her cell phone.
The Transplant calls out the next question.  What do you love, absolutely love, about living in Guadalupe County? She giggles with delight. The Newcomer raises her hand, the one with the cell phone attached to it.  Why is it pronounced Wada-loop when it is clearly Latino and should be pronounced Goo-ada-loop-eh?  The Transplant’s mouth drops open; the Local drops her chili-cheese dog.  
A cat fight ensues, the caliber of most Housewives’ shows. There is name calling, vulgarities of the agricultural nature, and the throwing of several orthopedic shoes.
It. Finally. Gets. Ugly. 
The episode ends.

Next Week's Episode Two: The women agree to meet at the local Wal-Mart (the only “department store” in the area) and try again to overcome their differences for the sake of the show.


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