Episode
One:
The introduction of characters
Scene One: They each dress in their own homes and travel to the Dairy Queen for their first meeting.
Scene One: They each dress in their own homes and travel to the Dairy Queen for their first meeting.
There’s the local, a married
woman in her early sixties who can trace her family’s lineage back several
generations to the founding of the towns in the area. She is married to a man with the same proud
heritage.
There’s the transplant, a married
woman in her late sixties who settled in the area with her husband after they both
retired from successful careers “up north.” Used to being the hub, they introduced
themselves into the local society by joining all and every group that was
taking volunteers.
There’s the newcomer, a woman of
their age who has moved here from the nearby city. To her the area is nothing
more than a bedroom community, a thirty minute drive to the closest city, Kohl’s,
or Olive Garden.
Scene Two: The Local arrives in
her Ford F150. The Transplant arrives in
her Chrysler 300. The Newcomer in her
Prius V. They eye each other until the Transplant calls out to them in a loud
voice and asks if they are there for the Housewives programme. (She would spell it that way, believe me.)
The Local decides to order
first. The Transplant commandeers a table
and wipes it with the Wet Ones she always carries in her purse. The Newcomer sits down and pulls out a Nutragrain
bar. The meeting starts.
The Transplant has come prepared
with a set of warm-up questions so they can get to know each other.
They each have to say something
funny/odd that has happened lately in their family. The Local shares a story concerning their
tractor and a busted (her word) oil line. The Newcomer tells about the day she
freaked out when she walked into a spider web the size of a full-sized sheet on
her way to her car. They don’t have
those in the city – spiders. They do
have sheets, probably 400-count. The Transplant goes on and on about something
but the other two are not listening. She
laughs at her own story, while the Local picks up her order at the counter and
the Newcomer fidgets with her cell phone.
The Transplant calls out the next
question. What do you love, absolutely
love, about living in Guadalupe County? She giggles with delight. The Newcomer
raises her hand, the one with the cell phone attached to it. Why is it pronounced Wada-loop when it is
clearly Latino and should be pronounced Goo-ada-loop-eh? The Transplant’s mouth drops open; the Local
drops her chili-cheese dog.
A cat fight ensues, the caliber
of most Housewives’ shows. There is name calling, vulgarities of the
agricultural nature, and the throwing of several orthopedic shoes.
It. Finally. Gets. Ugly.
The episode ends.
Next Week's Episode Two: The women agree to meet
at the local Wal-Mart (the only “department store” in the area) and try again
to overcome their differences for the sake of the show.
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