There’s the linebacker, the man
with no patience. He came to the grocery
store to hunt and gather and no one or nothing will keep him from his
objective. He has no patience with the coupon-toting mama or the comparison
maven. He Mad Max’s his way down the
middle of the grocery aisles, oblivious to any rules of the road or kindness.
He doesn’t care of the mayhem he created in pursuit of a deli chicken and a six
pack of beer.
There’s the rooky, the first
timer. He didn’t grab a basket on his way in and now is standing in the middle of
the aisle.
He holds a grocery list and his cell phone in one hand, and he is
balancing several bulky items in the other.
He yells into the phone that “they all look alike,” as he studies all
the boxes on the shelf. One young mother reaches around him and grabs a box. A woman who could be his mother grabs another. He shrugs and shoves a box of the same unto
his arm with his cell phone and grocery list hand and runs off. Maybe the next time he takes on the family
grocery shopping, he will get a basket before venturing into the bowels of the
grocery store.
Not all men dare the grocery
store by themselves.
There’s the suave playboy. He is too busy to drive the cart for his
wife. He stands apart so the “babes” at
the grocery store won’t confuse him with being married. While his wife studies the cans of tomatoes,
he effuses smarminess and charm. He chats with every passing female and winks at
the young ones. If his wife catches him hitting on a woman, he affects a look
of innocence. His wife calls
out in a voice we all can hear and exposes Mr. Charm for all that he is (or isn’t),
“Don’t let me forget the prunes. You
know how you get if you don’t eat prunes.”
The grazer can always be found
dashing from one freebie stand to another.
He sometimes goes it alone while his wife is shopping or he stampedes
with his whole family. “Over here. They’re serving sausage bites over here!” He
not only leaves his trash on nearby displays or at the bottom of their grocery
cart but he also tastes the grapes or helps himself to a free donut out of the
bakery case. From the size of the waistline of his khakis, he has done this
often.
The one male shopper who probably has the most interesting back story, is the bully. He drives the shopping basket
because he wants to know how every bit of his hard earned money is spent. Every
item the wife puts into the basket has to be approved by him first. He never bothers
to talk quietly to his wife, but yells in a voice for all to hear. He makes
sure we all know that it is HIS money that will pay for all of that
extravagance.
He makes all the others look good.
I am sure there are other “types,”
but these are the ones who always stand out and catch the writer's eye.
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