There’s the linebacker, the man with no patience. He came to the grocery store to hunt and gather and no one or nothing will keep him from his objective. He has no patience with the coupon-toting mama or the comparison maven. He Mad Max’s his way down the middle of the grocery aisles, oblivious to any rules of the road or kindness. He doesn’t care of the mayhem he created in pursuit of a deli chicken and a six pack of beer.
There’s the rooky, the first timer. He didn’t grab a basket on his way in and now is standing in the middle of the aisle. He holds a grocery list and his cell phone in one hand, and he is balancing several bulky items in the other. He yells into the phone that “they all look alike,” as he studies all the boxes on the shelf. One young mother reaches around him and grabs a box. A woman who could be his mother grabs another. He shrugs and shoves a box of the same unto his arm with his cell phone and grocery list hand and runs off. Maybe the next time he takes on the family grocery shopping, he will get a basket before venturing into the bowels of the grocery store.
Not all men dare the grocery store by themselves.
There’s the suave playboy. He is too busy to drive the cart for his wife. He stands apart so the “babes” at the grocery store won’t confuse him with being married. While his wife studies the cans of tomatoes, he effuses smarminess and charm. He chats with every passing female and winks at the young ones. If his wife catches him hitting on a woman, he affects a look of innocence. His wife calls out in a voice we all can hear and exposes Mr. Charm for all that he is (or isn’t), “Don’t let me forget the prunes. You know how you get if you don’t eat prunes.”
The grazer can always be found dashing from one freebie stand to another. He sometimes goes it alone while his wife is shopping or he stampedes with his whole family. “Over here. They’re serving sausage bites over here!” He not only leaves his trash on nearby displays or at the bottom of their grocery cart but he also tastes the grapes or helps himself to a free donut out of the bakery case. From the size of the waistline of his khakis, he has done this often.
The one male shopper who probably has the most interesting back story, is the bully. He drives the shopping basket because he wants to know how every bit of his hard earned money is spent. Every item the wife puts into the basket has to be approved by him first. He never bothers to talk quietly to his wife, but yells in a voice for all to hear. He makes sure we all know that it is HIS money that will pay for all of that extravagance.
He makes all the others look good.
I am sure there are other “types,” but these are the ones who always stand out and catch the writer's eye.