Monday, March 9, 2015

How to Give The Best Pity Party in Five Easy Steps


1.    Invite yourself to the Pity Party.  You are not only The Guest of Honor but also The Hostess.
2.    Prepare the house.  Don’t vacuum. Don’t dust.  Don’t clean the bathroom or the kitchen.  A Pitiful House sets the tone for an excellent Pity Party.
3.    Prepare the food.  Keeping with the mood, set out a mournful menu: the box of dried up raisins leftover from Christmas baking that have formed a block (no need to rehydrate them; just tear open the box and lay it on the table), a sleeve of saltine crackers, and a pitcher of iced tea without the ice.
Hey, it’s your Pity Party.  If they wanted food, they should have thought about you first and brought you some.
4.    For entertainment, drag out the microphone that came with the stereo or the Karaoke machine. If you don’t have one, make one out of a toilet paper or paper towel cardboard tube.  Monopolize the conversation with your speech of woes and moans.  Drone on and on about how your life sucks until your guests start easing out the door, one by one. 
There will be some diehards, family and friends, who will try to intervene.  They will form groups, some a cleanup crew, another to run out and bring back healthy food for your empty refrigerator, but the most annoying will be the cheerleaders, full of wisdom and advice.
5.    Get nasty.  Threaten to spill secrets they shared with you that you pinky swore never to reveal. Believe me that will empty the room quickly. They can see you are about to blow. You won’t have to say another word.

Once alone, assess the success of your Pity Party.  You should be proud.  You have now given the Best Pity Party ever! When you set your mind to do something, you let nothing stand in your way.  You should turn that enormous talent into a positive.  The next time you feel like giving yourself a pity party, put all that energy into overcoming the obstacles in your way.

Turn your “woe is me” anthem into “go is me.” You will be awesome!

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