That One Holiday Relative No One Likes

You know who I am talking about: that one curmudgeon no one wants to sit next to at dinner or pick up at the air port or bunk with in the guest bedroom.  He (or she) never has a kind word, makes funny noises whether awake or asleep, and always wants his way.

The weather is too wet or dry or cold or hot.  The traffic goes to fast or too slow and where is everyone going? Don’t they know HE alone owns the right of way and everyone should slow down and move over to the right shoulder while he parades by?

The food never fits his diet, gives him gas, and tastes like slop. Everyone should wait on him, wait for him, or wait until he is finished speaking. No one else’s opinion matters, nor do their needs or feelings. 

If one must have children, they should be kept quiet and in the other room.  If one must marry, it should be only for the convenience of a personal valet, shopper, and maid. Spouses and children are only good to fetch and carry. Why else would one want one? Employees are always at his will.

If he has been coerced into picking up the tab at a restaurant or a hotel, he gripes and demands the best service but does not leave a tip, usually though he makes himself scarce when the bill has to be paid but only after he ordered the most expensive item on the menu and a few extra items a la carte.  

A smile, a kind word, or an expression of good manners would be out of the question.  His presence alone should be compensation enough. He insults everyone and everything around him, then wonders why everyone avoids him or brightens the moment he announces his departure. According to him, they are rude and selfish and stupid.

Thank goodness he has enough intelligence and charm to make up for their lack.