Here comes another birthday. At my age birthdays zoom by faster than mile markers on an interstate. I’ve never been one to putter along at the speed limit, so before I know it, there’s another candle on the birthday cake.
Should you feel the need to wish me a happy birthday, here are a few do’s and don’ts.
One, do send cash or gift cards. Any denomination will do. I have a healthy respect for money, both my own and that of others, so any form of moolah is appreciated.
Don’t waste your money on anything else, especially if it has to be dusted or worn. I abhor dusting, so anything that requires display or upkeep is a no-no, likewise with clothes. I do not wear pink, ruffles, or spandex. I look ghastly in anything from the “autumn palette,” and should you buy anything in my correct size, I will be forced to deny you guessed it right.
I also suffer from lactose intolerance and cannot eat bananas or anything with brown sugar. My IBS makes me less pleasant than I used to be.
So, it is best to stick with a gift card.
Two, do lie to me. When you send your wishes, be advised lying to me about my age is not a sin but a kindness. Feel free to shower me with blatant charity about my age. Yours will be a heavenly reward.
Tell me how youthful I look for someone in her “fifties.” (Any younger and I will suspect sarcasm is your motivation.) Ask about my anti-aging regimen since I do not look a day older since the last time you saw me. Practicing in front of a mirror before we meet is a good idea.
Never, ever, use the word “spry” in your birthday wish to me. It is a nasty, little, four-letter word I have come to despise.
Now that I have stolen your good will and cheer, now that I have completely discouraged you from coming near me on or around my birthday, please know that I wasn’t always this touchy and crotchety.
This isn’t really who I am.
It’s those infernal birthday candles that keep growing in number on top of my cakes. It’s that old lady with gray hair and wrinkles who looks back at me in the bathroom mirror who is to blame.
It’s that constant reminder that I zoomed past my youth and the golden years, and I am racing toward the end zone.