Monday, October 20, 2014

Horror Movies


I hate horror movies.  I was raised by a grandmother who scared us into obedience with tales of “monstruos, fantasmas, y cuyuis.” (That monsters, ghosts, and boogie men for those of you who do not speak Mexican grandmother.) One wrong move, one tiny bit of rebellion and . . . bam! . . . we were dead meat.  Literally. 
El Diablo was always waiting for disobedient children (like me) to make one wrong move so he could close the deal. I did my share of naughty stuff in the daytime to make me worry what might be waiting for my mortal soul at night.
There is a good reason I have always slept with a night light.  I was born with an overactive imagination and a lack of mental fortitude when it came to anything that lived and thrived in the dark.   
Things with big nasty claws (and in bad need of a manicure) waited for me to fall asleep so they could rip through my mattress and drag me off into . . . wherever spooky creatures drag off big, old marshmallows like me. Things lurked in the dark, waiting for Miss Cream Puff over here to fall asleep so they could PoUnCe on my juicy insides.
Knowing this, why would I want to watch a scary movie?
No, thank you.  I will be over here with all the windows and doors locked, all the lights on, watching It’s a Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown



Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Our Trip to Bountiful

One phone call was all it took for us to change our plans last weekend.  We packed the car and off we went on a 1400 mile round-trip visit to the In-laws.  HoneyBunch’s mom was turning 86 and we wanted to celebrate with her.
For the last thirty-something years since HB left the state of Missouri, he has made very few trips “home,” so his parents made two or three car trips down every year to see him and his sons in Texas. They would come for his birthday, summertime, and over one of the winter holidays.  They would stay for weeks at a time when he was a bachelor.  My father-in-law would help in the wood shop and clean up the yard.  My mother-in-law would clean his house and bake and freeze food for him.  
Very few of those trips were ever by plane because my in-laws do not like to fly and because they needed a car for all the “stuff” and gifts they would bring to HB and all the stuff he would send back home with them.
Seven years ago, he married me, and I nosed around about his childhood.  I wanted to meet his extended family.  He talked about them with such love and such humor.  I wanted to put a face to the person.  I wanted to see where he grew up. I wanted to see his grandmother’s farm where he chased chickens and climbed trees.  I wanted to see his father’s land where he and Ed went hunting and fishing, and where they ate frogs for dinner they cooked over a campfire.
I have never lived any further than 300 miles from the very spot where I was born, so it intrigued me why my husband would leave his birthplace and why he refused to visit? It sounded like a wonderful place.
According to my MIL, HB has made more visits home in the last seven years than in the 35 since he moved away. She is counting on this now that her age and her health impede any more visits south and especially when she announced last November she can no longer make the trip.

We went home for her birthday.  Maybe we will make it up there for one of the winter holidays, then there is always next summer.  HB can do the yard and I can bake and freeze for my dear in-laws.  

Monday, October 6, 2014

THE HEAVY LIFTING OF A BEST SELLER


Nothing done well is done quickly. Or cheaply. Or rashly. Or naively.

I have learned this as I struggle to become a published writer.  I started on this adventure four years ago and am still a novice, but I have learned some things along the way through experience. (Cue: It’s a Hard Knock Life)

1.    Never trust anyone who tells you they too have “written” a book over the course of
A.   the drive home from Grandma’s
B.   a weekend of feverish inspiration
C.    a dream they had where God and/or His angels came to them with a command to do so.
Even the best and the most prolific writers have to roll up their sleeves and put in time and effort into their writing.

2.    A memoir is not a chronological, birth to death (or birth to epiphany) biography of a person’s life. A memoir has purpose and a theme. It’s a postage stamp of a moment in a person’s life; a biography is the US Postal Service – large, boring, and archaic. 
Other than to record an amazing experience or an amazing life, why else would anyone want to read a memoir or a biography?

3.    Just because a person can write a good sentence and knows how to punctuate it well, it does not mean a series of well written sentences makes a good book. (This blog post is an example of that.) 
How many books have you bought off the shelf or because they made a best selling list and you have wondered at the quality of the writing or of the plot? Yet, you cannot find fault in any of the individual sentences.

4.    There is a huge difference between how one writes non-fiction and how one writes fiction, and it is not in the number of passive and active verbs. It is not in the “showing and telling.” 
Michener comes to mind. I’ve read three of his books lately and there is a huge change in his writing when he moves from stating historical facts and waxing poetic when he switches to story.

5.    Self publishing works best for those who have already published under traditional methods. One, they have built an audience.  Two, they have been through the publishing process where several professional eyes have guided them through revisions and editions, so they know (or should know) the weaknesses in their process.

After you sell copies to family and friends, you are done for, but if you have established a readership or a fandom, self-publishing might be the ticket.  

Monday, September 29, 2014

Nakedness

I grew up in a culture where the only time a person is permitted to be naked is at birth, in the bath, and in the privacy of your bedroom; at all other times, a person should be fully clothed.
We settled this in the Garden of Eden: we wear clothes; angels wear robes.
So someone explain to me this rash of successful new TV shows where everyone romps around au naturelle?  I’m talking about the shows on the regular stations, not the ones that take a special subscription and carry an x-rating.
Naked and Afraid is not about internal conflict.  It’s folks out in the wilderness trying to survive in the altogether.  I live in the wilderness.  We country folk would never dare to venture out among the biting insects and poison ivy without covering as much skin as possible.  We know better than to encounter a skunk, chiggers, or a rattler wearing only our bifocals.
Dating Naked is another such show. In my day, dating was an opportunity to spend quality time with a person we liked and wanted to know better. We wanted to eventually see them naked, but most often not on the first date. The couples on this show are not concerned about each other’s souls, nor do they discuss existentialist ideals. They like being naked and want to be around other naked people. They worry more about their grooming and physical appearance than regular folks because they cannot rely on the magic of Spanx. On the up side, they spend less time and money on their wardrobes.   
Buying Naked?  What on earth is that about?  I watched one show where the couple was in the process of buying a house, so I have no idea if the show explores other naked retail opportunities. I could not envision my real estate agent friends meeting with nude clients, chauffeuring them around naked in their family vans to “look at” houses, or vetting neighborhood HOA’s on their tolerance towards home owners who prefer to prune their pecan trees in the nude.
What on earth is next? 
Cooking Naked? I have had frightening encounters while frying bacon and steaming broccoli.  I have had near misses with my Ginsu knife.  Why would anyone want to cook without the benefit of clothes, an oven mitt, and an apron?  
What about Naked Court?  Every time I have been called to show for jury duty, it has been accompanied with a stringent dress code reminder. How could anyone be taken serious in a small claims court when all you claim to own is in plain view except for your earrings, a watch, and maybe some tattoos?
Nope, nudity should stay where it belongs – at birth, in the bathroom, and in the privacy of one’s bedroom.  Say NO! to nakedness.



Monday, September 22, 2014

Guacamole: My Life in Retrospect

My grandmother gave me the best advice when I was young.  She said one should live life with no regrets.  If I should mess up, I should forgive myself, forgive the offender, and move on.
I agree.
At the age of twenty-one, I had all these dreams:  I was going to get my PhD in Languages, move away from my home town, and travel the world.  There was no place for marriage or children.  Family would only hold me down.
Then I got married two weeks before I turned twenty-three and my life took a totally different detour, several actually.  I never got my PhD, never moved any further than an hour from where I grew up, and my travels have been limited to the contiguous United States, a couple of hours into the “interior” of Mexico, and a nineteen day trip into China to meet a handful of in-laws.
Not exactly worthy of one single “Yeeha,” but I have no regrets.
If I were to go back in time and be able to talk to my younger, twenty-one-year-old self, this is what I would say:
1.     Dream big and don’t be afraid to adjust those dreams as circumstances prevail.  What you sometimes think is important, isn’t. Alternatives and adjustments to your dreams are not measures of failure, but measures of resiliency and strength.
2.    Trust in yourself.  Wait before you rush into relationships. You deserve to love and be loved.  You deserve to be respected and cherished. Let your suitor chase you.  You will prove to be amazing, stronger than you ever thought, a better person than you were made to feel. (Remember this.  It will save you two failed marriages.)
3.    Life is messy.  It is like a bowl of guacamole.  Things will get squished together, diced and minced.  It will be spicy and intriguing.

It will be worth it all.  It will be delicious.